Dear Tim Hortons Employees,
I understand that you are an integral part of Canadiana, and that while separately you're mere mortals, as a group you create the magic and wonder that is the Tim Hortons Experience. Will someone please tell me which location this exists at? Because every location I visit makes me want to rub salted broken glass in my eyes.
I'll be the bigger person here and check to make sure I don't just have unrealistic expectations.
My typical order consists of some combination of the following:
1. (one) Extra Large (because you don't have Carafe sized) coffee - double double. OR:
1. (one) Large Iced Cappuccino made with Chocolate Milk.
AND / OR
1. (one) Plain (non toasted) Bagel with Herb and Garlic Cream Cheese.
Usually it's the coffee and the bagel. Tres simple, right? I can wake up and make this happen for myself in my kitchen, despite the fact that it takes me several hours after waking up to match the brain function of a dead walrus.
The process (having worked in a coffee shop many moons ago) goes something like this as I recall:
Coffee Preparation
- Take a cup from the stack with the largest cups in it.
- Push the button with two little cups for cream (God help you if I request milk and you have to *gasp* pour it freehand)
- Pour coffee into the same cup you just *hopefully* managed to pour cream into.
- Add two spoonfuls of sugar. (See what they did there? Double (as in TWO) Creams, Double (WHOA! Two again) Sugars - they went and called it a Double Double! With trickery like that it's not a wonder it's such a confusing recipe!
- STIR MY EFFING COFFEE!!! (I know this is a tall order since NONE of you do it - I once asked a Tim Hortons employee why they never stir the coffee and she answered with complete conviction that the sugar immediately dissolves when added to the cup. Guess what, my brown-clad geniuses - adding a couple spoonfuls of sugar to a cup of any liquid will only ensure that the bottom of said cup contains a puddle of goo. Try it at home, but with adult supervision since your employer clearly fears that stirring a cup of coffee is the 4th sign of the Apocalypse).
- Put the lid on. Press it down around the edges. If you can still see the rim of the cup (That thing you tell us to roll up every few months to not win anything, or maybe a donut) when the lid is on, you're DOING IT WRONG!
Bagel Preparation
- Take a PLAIN Bagel from the rack
- Cut open said Bagel if this hasn't already been done for you. The result should look like two bagels, but with flat surfaces for spreading cream cheese. This is the objective here - I don't give a shit about bagels, they are a delivery system for cream cheese and nothing more. Unless they're delivering butter or bacon or eggs, but I'm not about to go all crazy and over-complicate things for you because I'm nice.
- Spread the Herb and Garlic Cream Cheese on the Bagel.
- Cut the Bagel in half again. (The result should look like the letter C and a backward letter C).
- Wrap the Bagel in that nifty printed paper, and put it in a bag.
Ok - Maybe I'm being difficult. Seeing it laid out that way, I see there are ELEVEN whole steps to preparing my over the top coffee and bagel. I'm not even counting handing my order across the counter or making change for a five dollar bill. How you people make it through the day without flying into fits of rage or rocking back and forth in the fetal position under the stack of donut racks honestly amazes and inspires me. You people are heroes. Now I completely understand why my Tim Hortons Experience doesn't resemble the touching commercials and actually goes more like this:
I receive what I figure are the coffee and bagel I've asked for. I'm not being presumptuous by believing it's my order when you say "Extra Large Double Double and Plain Bagel with Herb and Garlic Cream Cheese." (PS: Don't judge my Cream Cheese, jerk).
I leave with the Things That Will Bring Me Joy.
I know you didn't stir my coffee, because when I let my unflappable faith in humanity get the better of me and taste it, all I get is the flavour of whatever sort of crack the coffee's laced with that keeps Canadians coming back and honk it out on some poor unsuspecting passerby or shop window. I will swirl my coffee around in the cup in an attempt to stir it while walking toward my next destination. THE LID! DAMN YOU TIM HORTONS EMPLOYEE, YOU FOILED ME AGAIN! The gap in the lid sends molten caffeine spraying up my hand, arm and clothes. Change the writing on the lid from "Caution: HOT" to "Caution - I'm a total fuckwit and couldn't be bothered to put the lid on all the way because I hate my life and hearing you scream from four blocks away as you get scalded by the coffee I didn't stir is the only bit of happiness I ever experience" I realize this is a lot to emboss on a lid, so you'll probably have to switch to a conical cup with a bigger opening at the top. Totally doable.
I collect myself and find a place to sit and devour my bagel. Me eating isn't pretty - I'm like a dog. Devour isn't even an apt word for it. I don't care. I unwrap it. (This next bit has gone a few ways)
WHAT THE HELL?? Since when are there blueberries/seeds/raisins/etc in a plain bagel? If I wanted seeds, I'd have asked for a bagel with seeds. Herb and Garlic Cream Cheese (If you recall - the whole reason for the bagel existing) does not go well with little hunks of fruit.
WHAT THE HELL?? Herb and Garlic Cream Cheese shouldn't be strawberry flavoured. WHAT THE HELL?? It's 6am - I SAW you wheel out the cart of "fresh baked" delights (Ok, I know they're shipped in on freezer trucks, but I'm not above that - I freeze food and warm it all the time). Why does this bagel have the consistency of petrified oak?? I shouldn't need a diamond-tipped chainsaw to get into this thing - it's supposed to be BREAD!! Is this the reason for those rappers having diamonds in their teeth? Have we misjudged them as pretentious? Maybe they just have a penchant for Tim Hortons bagels.
So I figure - hey - they must have confused my order with someone else's - there was, after all, some old fella passed out at one of the tables with food wrappers around him. Maybe they anticipated my arrival and gave it to him before he passed out, and gave me his weird ass fruit bagel with the wrong cream cheese. Honest mistake.
As always I'm hoping for the best next time, Tim Hortons Employee. I believe you can make what I ask for and not have it attack my senses and I just one time. I'm not asking for one of those super-touching Canadiana moments I see on television, all I'm asking for is a coffee and a bagel. I will make it my personal mission to rain good karma on you in exchange for giving me what I ask for, and should I feel adventurous enough to stray from my go-to order, I'll bring a team of experts along to make sure it doesn't send you off the deep end or into a vegetative state from too much over-thought.
Thanks in advance,
Love and Kisses, Me.
